Birthday Ramblings...OR...Things I think while I can't sleep

So, here it is...my 30th birthday. And sleep is not coming easy at 1:30am in the morning...(shhh! must be the Mt. Dew I had before I got on the plane tonight).
So, I flew back from Peoria, IL tonight...Feb.3rd. Now its Feb. 4th..and I can't sleep.

I was in Peoria for business...top secret stuff (not really)...fun stuff...but trust me not the reason I am staying up. (And I stayed away from pop all week...it was so good though..LOL)

My lovely wife Jenna I think called my phone four times on the ride home to see if I was home yet...she missed me. :-)

It is kind of funny sitting here thinking about my life of 30 years. My first memories, which I talked with Jenna tonight about was sitting on a beach. I am quite sure I was with my parents at a sail boat club event which they use to be a part of. The next memory I remember is Christmas Day...not sure if I was two or three. But I remember it clearly. I remember running down the hall of my old house in Madison Heights...was there until before my 4th birthday. And turning the corner to see many presents...all wrap and in different boxes under the tree, a brightly decorated Christmas tree. But the thing that stuck out for me was the blown up Santa. I just remember it...I think it is still in my Father's attic somewhere.

Ah memories...LOL.

Most of what I think about now a days is the future. I turn 30 today. I was born at 8:38pm...so I am not there yet. But I wonder how good of a Father I will be? I wonder who is going to still be in my life in the future. And how many people have had such an effect on my life. I mean everyone who knows me has had an effect. But God does it in such a way that...I am just amazed by him. Its those people you don't expect.
The people who are just so positive. People who see in you the gifts God has given me. Amazing how people so close didn't see it but they do. They just say 'You have it kid, make the most of it, you have it in you'..and my favorite 'we are here to support you no matter what'. And they do, support you throught the thick and thin. and LOVE like Jesus does. Unconditional.

I love people, I really do. I think about so many people all the time. I wonder how they are, what they are doing. What do they believe in? How they think the way they do? How did they become who they are today? How little good things effected them in a great way? Or how a bad deck of cards made them so bitter...or make them live or be the way they are?

And I look back at my friends and family that did the above, loved, and just loved. Some are gone now...and I wish I asked more questions to them. Advice for me...but I think it is selfish sometimes. I have learn many lessons down the path and the journey called life. Probably would of felt cheated out if I didn't experience them first hand. My view I guess.

I think about the people who I am no longer in contact with anymore. Sometimes it was hard to separate..sometimes for their own good....
I pray those that I hurt and made enemies of can...learn to forgive. It is tough for me sometimes to move on knowing others were hurt by me...eats me up sometimes. But I know God's grace is beyond any imagine. He wants me to focus on the present, prepare for the future, balance the DO with the BE. Yet, don't ever forget where I came from. The only difference between them and me isn't perfection, or my faith or my opinion. It is simply His grace.

I want to love others unconditionally. My family is first. That shouldn't be confused when others think I don't love them...but they come first. Jenna #1, J.T. #2

I think about how I am going to mold J.T.'s future. EVERYTHING I do will effect him. Everything. I can't grasp it (Well and the whole "Dad" thing...Jenna likes to do "Do you feel like a Dad yet"...I just shake my head no...how can I, he will pop...what's that honey, you want me to use a different word?...escape out, soon or later ;-) ... and I am sure in that moment I will be fully aware of what I am responsible for...it will come quick). I really can't grasp, everything I do...my attitude, my facial expressions...and I swear what I am thinking in my head...he will know. "They" say that babies can start hearing and remembering your voice in the womb. I hope he didn't hear some four letter words...LOL. Or my frustrated voice. I hope he heard how I made his Mom laugh. How I hugged her (and then him) and said I missed and loved her. How I spoiled her just a little. How we read books to one in another (ok Jenna does most of it to me...even one night while I was painting) preparing for him.
But the pressure is still there in my mind. I want to stand like a stone brick wall before moving so I don't make a mistake when he is born. I want to work tirelessly to make sure he is the very best J.T. God wants him to be. It isn't what I want him to be. I mean, if he wants to play with trains, and trucks and cars and drive quarter midgets by five years old. I am ok and fine with that. But if he wants to be the best chef in the world or the best screenplay writer or the best pastor or best CEO or CFO. I want to support him and work tirelessly to make sure he has every opportunity to be that. To be what God intents him to be. But even more so. I want to block any sort of negative thought or doubt, I could place in him to go away. I want to push every chain that has drag me down...and break it. I don't want to continue the chain, the downward spin into nothingness. I want the best for him.

I know it all starts with me. I want him to see me as an example. I want him to see how I treat my wife with all the love I can possibly give. Treat her the right way. I want him to KNOW our love story. (I love hearing other couples love story). Not let anyone run over me. Tell me I can't, you shouldn't, why even try? I will not let them get to my son. I can't, I won't let the devil win. It isn't in me.

Ok, so enough ramblings...I hope it make sense to anyone reading this. And I love you, God loves you, Jesus loves you. Jesus saved me...but more I serve the LORD.

Be safe, keep it on the track and all my love!